25 September 2004
I must have been super-loopy this morning.
I sleep with the TV on, because the dull sussuruss of the blue demigod helps me sleep. It sets my mind to wandering. It provides light, since I can’t sleep in the dark. And, should I wake up in dark and / or silence, I bolt upright and seek out one of the two, if not both.
Call it an unnatural sensitivty to the paranormal, or just the paranoia, but I can usually only sleep KNOWING what’s going on in my room, where I’m situated, and with something to play over the natural eerie sounds of the house and surrounding wildlife. It’s not a normal drive around here unless you have at LEAST two close enounters with squirrels, all of which have terrible timing and fail to look both ways.
(This is not to mention the lady who stopped in the middle of the main road through town to THINK, for no apparent reason whatsoever besides mental insanity, and pulling off into one of the many side roads would have completely thrown her over the edge. After sitting directly behind her in my car for at least a full minute, the growing mass of cars behind me began their symphony of anger, also not seeing the point of our stillness. After another 15 seconds of honking, the woman steps out of her car and begins to scream at me. Keep in mind, I haven’t honked once. I assumed that there was a perfectly asinine explanation to all of this and I wanted to hear it. All I’ve done is throw up my hands in a visible shrug, the real-world equivalent to the more familiar ‘WTF?’, a universal symbol to everyone around me that ‘I dunno either’. So, she’s screaming at me, ‘I’m lost! You got a problem with that???’ I retaliate with the very lame and very true, ‘I didn’t even honk at you!’ She then gets back in her car and speeds away at an unsafe velocity, as if to make up for the speed that she was previously lacking. And that, as they say, was that, and it was effing crazy.)
So, I have to sleep with music on, or a light, or the TV. It’s a bad habit, but it makes me feel safer. This means that I often wake up to odd infomercials, or, in a worst case scenario, Baby Looney Tunes. I stopped watching Comedy Central to fall asleep, because their 4 AM infomercials all involve the size of my junk, and I do NOT need any deeper inferiority complexes shoved into my head subconsciously. These things get into your head as you sleep and seriously mess up any hot, sexy dreams you’re having. Suddenly, that redhead indie fantasy chick is disastrously unsatisfied.
Cartoon Network is usually good to fall asleep to, as they usually recycle their evening lineup, fade it into old anime and eventually, upon daybreak, an assault of Ed, Edd and Eddy or Kids Next Door. Neither of these are great shows, but they don’t involve my penis, usually, so I’m happy.
Once in a while, I wake up to this blendery thing, narrated by the perky American woman and the possibly Australian man. It all happens at a kitchen counter, which is oddly surrounded by a variety of overacting extras. The smoking BINGO lady, the husband who petulanty declares that he hates broccoli and crosses his arms with a huge frown, the black lady. You can make pesto in 3 seconds, people! And you can grate cheese, like, faster than the speed of light. It’s cheese, and then, BAM, it’s a cheese VAPOR.
If you’re lucky, it’s Girls Gone Wild. The commercials are better than the actual thing, unless you’re especially into seeing drunk girls and the myriad of breasts that they decide to share. Me, I could care less. I prefer girls who aren’t, you know, soused whores.
All of this leads to one thing. I found a link on my computer this morning that I didn’t recognize. Apparently, I can make millions in real estate buying and selling, and this was an AMAZING idea when I half-lucidly stumbled out of bed this morning, subconscious infomercial (which I vaguely remembered after visiting the link) having beaten my brain to a pulp. Somehow, I turned on the computer and added a link to this guy’s website to my favorites list, without even knowing it. Because this is what TV does to you when you’re not paying attention.
2 October 2004
So, I saw on the TV that White Castle, famous for vending SACKS of squared-off burgers at discount prices, is now selling….’chicken rings’.
I can understand onion rings. Onions are a naturally ringed food, tightly aligned concentric circles of flavor. Chickens do not come in rings naturally. They are a loosely arranged mass of squishy, blood-soaked organs. There is nothing ring-shaped about them. Not a single thing about this situation seems natural.
I can imagine a few scenarios for this, and neither makes any sense. One involves a few immigrant workers sitting in a dark back room at White Castle, sculpting lengths of chicken (of which I do not want to venture their origin, since chicken doesn’t come in ‘lengths’ either) into mathematically perfect ‘rings’ for battering, frying and consumption.
The second scenario involves a whole chicken, a hammer and chisel, and a skilled expert who knows EXACTLY where to strike the chicken, aided by a magnified monocle. Of course, with one fateful swing of the hammer, all excess parts of the chicken would fall away, leaving naught but the single ring.
Chicken RINGS? No, nononono. No.
9 October 2004
Because I sometimes collect books about case studies of mental disorders, presumably to try to figure out what’s wrong with me OR to make me feel better about myself, I came across the following true story in a first edition (1981) DSM-III (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), page 220, and I brought it home with me. It is called ‘Star Wars’, and it is exerpted below.
“Susan, a 15-year-old, was seen at the request of her school district authorities for advice on placement. She… was placed in a class for the emotionally disturbed. She proved very difficult, with a very poor undersanding of schoolwork on a fifth-grade level, despite an apparently good vocabulary; and she disturbed the class by making animal noises and telling fantastic stories, which made the other children laugh at her.
“She is often bored, has no friends, and finds it difficult to occupy herself. She spends a lot of tiem drawing pictures of robots, spaceships, and fantastic or futuristic inventions.
“The results of an evaluation done at the age of 12, because of difficulties in school, showed ‘evidence of bizarre thought processes and fragmented ego structure’…. Currently she is reported to sleep very poorly and tends to disturb the household by getting up and wandering around at night. [Her mother] says that since Susan went to see the movie Star Wars she has been obsessed with ideas about space, spaceships and the future.
“In the interview, Susan presented as a tall, overweight, pasty-looking child, dressed untidily and with a somewhat disheveled appearance. She talked at length about her interests and occupations. She says she made a robot in her basement that ran amok and was about to cause a great deal of damage, but she was able to stop it by remote control. She claims to have built the robot from spare computer parts, which she acquired from the local museum. When pressed on detail of how this worked, she became increasingly vague, and when asked to draw a picture of one of her inventions, she drew a picture of an overhead railway and went into what appeared to be complex mathematical calculations to substantiate the structural details, but which in fact consisted of meaningless repetitions of symbols. When the interviewer expressed some gentle incredulity, she blandly replied that many people did not believe that she was a supergenius. She also talked about her unusual ability to hear things that other people cannot hear, and she was in communication with some sort of creature. She thought she might be haunted, or perhaps the creature was a being from another planet..”
So, this woman would be about 37 now. A big ol’ harmless geek! Are you reading this, Susan?
I don’t really have a reaction to this. I just thought it would be neat to share… though I’d like to give little Susan the benefit of the doubt. Things outside of science and all that.
9 November 2004
My niece keeps on asking me impossible questions. Things I simply don’t know the answer to, like ‘What channel is Buffy on?’ She thinks that by asking a hundred times, angrily, that I’ll suddenly know. Thinking that I could prove a point to her by asking her questions that SHE didn’t know the answer to, I said, “Okay, fine. How big is the moon?”
She thought for a second and said, “One hundred!”
I replied, “One hunded WHAT?”
Without hesitation, she yelled back, “One hundred ninety!”
When I broke down laughing, she revised her answer to “one hundred one?” And then implored me to tell her or she’d “break all of my bones and kick them a hundred times!”, which was a bit more gentle than her threat to “cut out my eyes with a knife” that she’d made last night.
16 November 2004
My niece is just getting over a cold, and it is irritating her nose. As we were walking through the mall today, I noticed that her fingers kept on ending up in her nose. I refuse to walk around with a nosepicker, so I asked her to stop about, oh, 50 times before I pulled her aside and said very quietly, “Look, you can do that all you want in the car, but you gotta wait until we get there, okay?”
She said okay, but soonafter, her arm slowly started to move up to her nose. I restrained it, but I didn’t want to look like I was abusing some poor little child. I asker her to stop again, laughing pretty hard at this point.
“Please stop Raven…. we’ll be at the car in 2 minutes, okay?”
She looked at me with total seriousness and replied, “But I have boogers waiting for me!”
I nearly collapsed on the floor outside of the dollar store. I eventually ended up giving her a piggyback out of the mall just so that she’d HAVE to hold on and keep her fingers out of her nose. This was only the second time she cracked me up.
In Toys R Us, she indicated that she needed to go to the bathroom. I couldn’t bring her into the men’s bathroom, because heck, I’m not comfortable with that, and she has some kind of fear of being stolen if she’s let into the women’s bathroom by herself. So I asked her….
“Do you have to pee or… the other thing?”
She rolled her eyes at me, pretty exasperated, and said, “Stop… we just call it ‘the bathroom’, okay?”
23 November 2004
Here’s one :
“Robots ate my mom / I did not know they ate meat / but I guess they do.”
I win! I so totally effing win. I win haiku’s ass.
27 November 2004
So, hanging outside the library side door today (where we typically recieve our donations, which number in the hundreds daily), I found a small pile of grammar handbooks from 1922. They detail, not much unlike the current bestseller ‘Eats, Shoots and Leaves’, the finer points of being an anal jerk. I know that I take great delight in finding the occasional malaprop or ambiguous verbal juxtaposition, but these manuals attack various terms and phrases and misuses of the English language, as they were common in 1922. About 80% of what they complain about, in dictionary form, has fallen into obscurity, much to the delight of the authors, who are very, very not alive anymore.
An example, taken from ‘SOS : Slips of Speech’ -
‘knight of the grip’ – A euphemism for a commercial traveler or drummer, which is preferred.
I think that today, however, that the term ‘knight of the grip’ applies to something wholly… other, and suddenly, it’s is my new phraseology for that special time when one explores their own ‘dragon slaying’.
“Pardon me, madame, but I must fulfill my duties as a Knight of the Grip. I’ll be back in 15 minutes. Perchance I may borrow and facial tissue? Forsooth?”
‘bitch’ – used for a “jade”, or applied to any other than the female of the genus Canis, is ruled out of all polite society as coarse to the lowest degree, notwithstanding that the word is permitted as a euphemism by the late editor of a popular dictionary.
… which brings to light the gangwars fought wildly in the streets between the dictionary editors of the 1920′s. They weren’t really fought with tommy guns or anything… more like, loud, big words shouted from moving cars in nasally voices and rough pokings with quill pens. Obviously, Mr. Frank H. Vizetelly, Litt. D. LL. D., who has a monopoly on half of the alphabet in his name alone, has an issue with the use of such slang being validated by its inclusion in any kind of literature. Except for his own. And finally….
‘soup and fish’, when used to indicate formal dress, is a vulgarism.
29 November 2004
Last night, in my always-interesting and surreal dreams, I found myself in an abandoned school building. Perhaps it was the old Old Main Building from New Paltz, but there I was, lost in it as ever. And somehow, I found my way out, into a small house in the desert, which was very much not New Paltz. Such a juxtaposition is nothing unusual for the dream-state.
Within this house were 2 beds, and like a waxen figure on one lay a cute redheaded girl, unmoving, similar in appearance to a 1920′s starlet. I moved some hair out of her eyes, and as cute as she was, there was something sinister about her. Voicelessly, I heard something about how she would call her dogs to eat me.
So, she called her dogs to eat me, without moving her mouth, saying something like ‘dogs! eat!’. From another room, there came a-flopping a big, thick pug dog without any legs, kinda like a worm, very slowly. Of course, I wasn’t too afraid of a legless wormdog whose only means of locomotion was flopping around on the ground, and all logic circuitry would dictate that I could just run back into the desert and escape the flopdog without any hassle. Little did I know that this dog was a champion flopper and matched my every step out into the desert. And if you don’t think that a legless pug dog the size of a small fridge keeping up to speed with you with the mere power of its gyrations through hot desert sand, chanting ‘eat! EAT!’ isn’t creepy…. I feel sorry for you.