Dear ToyFare Magazine :

I believe that we have a problem. See, for months now, it seems that you’ve been sending me proof copies of your magazine instead of the final edition. Since I pay for a subscription, I’d really appreciate if you could send me the final, published copies.

That is – unless you’re asking me to edit these issues for you. You are the dominant magazine in the multi-million dollar industry of entertainment collectibles. You have unparalleled press access to events and product samples, and yet, you can’t put together a coherent magazine. If this is your way of asking me for help, I’ll happily give it to you! I don’t even require much compensation – probably far less that whatever your drunk / special needs / blind proofreader already gets.

It’s not as if I set out looking for spelling and grammar errors in your magazine, but as a speaker of English, I can’t help but notice some things. For most magazines, one spelling error per issue would be a source of terrible embarrassment. ToyFare, however, borders on around a dozen per issue. Let me give you some examples from the most current issue – and please note that I’m not a colossal jerk. I just firmly believe that as a professional entity that I have paid to read, you have a certain responsibility. So, here’s some quick examples from issue #148.

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PAGE 7 : See? Right here. I guess you couldn’t decide where you wanted to put your nerdy whinings, so you just overlapped ‘em. I can understand a layout error, but this really should have been caught. I’m catching it for you. I’m assuming the use of ‘DEPT.’ twice is supposed to be humorous.

PAGE 10 : It’s a nitpick, but the company is spelled ‘DC Direct’, not ‘Dc Direct’.

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PAGE 13 : I’ll be the first to admit that I’m some kind of giga-nerd for noticing mis-spellings of the names of imaginary characters. But here’s the thing : 80% of your magazine is ALL ABOUT imaginary people. They have names, and it’s incumbent upon you to spell them correctly. It’s ‘Bizarro’, not ‘Bizzarro’. We’re only a few pages in, and we already have three noticeable errors.

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PAGE 26 : Honestly, guys. This is a disaster. Three severe errors in one box – and higher up on the page, one of the characters in a speech bubble is actually a square that the computer will slap in there if it’s missing a letter within a font. Is anyone awake over there?

PAGE 29 : IN your ‘Halo Odd Pods’ segment, you spell one character’s name ‘HAYBUSA’ in one place, and ‘HAYABUSA’ in another.

PAGE 38 : Another error in the name of a fictional character. It’s ‘Bariss’ not ‘Barhss’. I know, it’s only one letter off.

PAGE 59 : You incorrectly state that the KidRobot Futurama chase figure is Hypnotoad. It is actually Slurms McKenzie, as there is no Hypnotoad in this assortment. /end geekmode

And I’m fairly certain I saw at least one instance of using the word ‘where’ instead of ‘wear’. Oh yeah – page 24. Homophones, guys. Not the same meaning.

ToyFare, if this is your cry for help, I am willing. If this is all just a big mistake, I’d appreciate an actual subscription. Or for you to take some fucking responsibility for your magazine.

Thank you.