When I come across old cookbooks, it makes me very grateful that I live in an era where our desperation for flavor and variety can be quelled by harsh chemicals instead of encasing things in gelatin. Has there every been a singular instance where a food was made better by suspending it in a translucent substance? Staplers notwithstanding, though technically, they are not food.

Anthropological studies, conducted informally and by exclusively looking at 1960s cookbooks, reveals that there is not a single food in the universe that cannot be assaulted – and quite frankly,  roughly violated – by the addition of boiled eggs, black olives and salty gelatin. Anyone who can’t understand the seductive wiggle of a perfectly cylindrical slab of jellied meat paired with the brimstone and sewage aroma of boiled eggs…. well, let’s just say that they haven’t lived.

Step Four : Set aside at least 48 hours for your colon to stop spasming uncontrollably.